Kicking, crying through imposter syndrome & calming my nervous system | Honest reflection
Hello, happy weekend :)
This substack is growing steadily, which is something I am super duper grateful for, thank you so much for being here. I worked up the courage to share it on my personal instagram and a ton of very supportive friends subscribed (ily, you know who u are).
Funny thing about that - I wanted to write this week about my increasingly overzealous nervous system, and my thoughts on imposter syndrome, but in the midst of drafting this post, I got super shy hahaha Because, like, hey friends, we follow each other on insta but are you ready to hear about how I’m literally this* close to a full blown panique attaque (chic)? What happens to your perception of me if you now learn how emotionally unstable I can be and possibly how uniquely stupid ridiculous my perspective on certain things are? Cuz I’m not claiming to be the next great thinker here, you know, I’m literally just a girl.
That’s enough self deprecation and insecurity though. I need to breathe through my fear of judgment and just get on with it. Guess this is a good segway into my struggles with
Imposter syndrome
Show of hands, who else felt personally attacked? :’) Because every time I give a presentation I am wondering if my audience think I am as stupid as I feel, when I share photographs on instagram I squirm at the thought that some evil monkey is lurking behind his keyboard laughing at how bad they are, when I publish a substack I wonder if some superior writer is looking at my words and making a note to themselves about how shallow I am. AHHH!!! *vomit*
You know what helps me re-center though? This,
Take a beat and breathe that in.
Insecurity is a symptom of an over-inflated ego. Some of the most arrogant people are precisely the most insecure. When we grow so far dissociated from our true nature (as angel fairies), we become overly, obsessively attached to the outward reflection of our egoic selves. Without an image of who we think we are, or who we feel we should be, we think we are good as dead - nobodies. And heaven knows everybody wants to be seen as a somebody.
Isn’t this at least a bit of what imposter syndrome is about? An aspect of it is feeling like a fraud, anxiety at being ‘found out’ as someone who does not truly have a place at the table she is sitting at. Stemming from a deep insecurity in our senses of self, insecurity that in turn comes from the ego wanting, even needing to be seen a certain way (e.g. seen as someone who belongs, someone who is good enough), and the extreme fear that it is not.
The amount of time and energy you spend putting yourself down and nursing your insecurities, ask yourself honestly if it isn’t because you are actually so freaking afraid of being seen the way you are seeing yourself too? Because your massive ego literally can’t take it, like, it is having a meltdown because it is afraid that other people do not think it is perfect. And the ego certainly thinks he is perfect.
We toil and labor to cultivate the perfect personal brand (God, everybody has an effing personal brand these days); curate our hobbies, wardrobes, instagram pages to high heaven. We are consumed by a need to be seen as x and y, and we seriously believe other people owe us that perception, too. It’s an interesting mix of selfish and selfless, because like we are really thinking a lot about me me me and how I want to present myself, but we’re also doing it with other people in mind, how will they see me, how will they see me, how will they see me ???
When, let’s be honest, who is really thinking about you, at all?
Say you attended a talk and it is objectively bad, the content structure is poor and the speaker’s sentences are stumbling all over themselves. How much judgement would you place on him or her? Maybe, as you listen, you note to yourself that perhaps they should have practiced a bit more, put more thought into the flow. When the speaker is finished, you get up to leave, and get on with your life. You certainly would not be thinking that the speaker is incompetent, completely clueless about his subject, should leave his vocation altogether. That might be what he is thinking though, as he goes over, with a fine toothed comb, everything that went wrong.
Right? Hopefully?
That’s what I have been reminding myself of, at least, whenever the sinking feeling of self-doubt begins to spread. That this is just my insecure, self-important little ego having a class-A meltdown about the humiliation it will have to bear, the imaginary audience it will have to answer to, if I mess up whatever it is I have committed myself to.
When the truth is, if I do mess up, there certainly will not be a gang of mockers pointing and jeering at my failure, because what’s more likely is that nobody was even watching in the first place, lol. Honestly, it is a little vain to think anyone would be giving me that much of their bandwidth anyways. Really, nobody is going to put that much energy into praising or critiquing you (those who do are prob lowkey in love or at least highkey obsessed with you); there really isn’t any need to be so afraid to just go for it, whatever it is.
Is that a bit delusional? To think that people are prob not thinking of me that much, hence are prob also not judging me too harshly? I hope not.
Ah, but there I go again, thinking only of me, me, me.
At the end of the day, the ego is very insular. Its focus rests solely on its own perspective, on itself, and it believes everyone and their moms are laser-focused on it too. It is just really afraid though, and as an act of self-preservation it sends shockwaves of self-doubt and criticism to your brain to protect you from taking what it may deem to be a risk.
This is what I am repeating to myself, on imposter syndrome: self-doubt may never stop, and maybe a small part of you will always feel like an ‘imposter’. What matters though, is that you learn to recognise when your silly little ego is just being silly, gather your strength and continue moving forward, through the discomfort.
Even if that means yelling, kicking, crying and vomiting the whole way.
You are capable of making hard things easy bbygirl xxx
Reading & listening for a calm nervous system
Without going too much into my spiritual and religious beliefs, sharing some material I am revisiting, to help myself reconnect and remember.
Reading
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
Jesus would not be happy if I failed to include His book in this list, The Holy Bible
Listening
This talk by unknown speaker, can’t even summarise just give it a go
Music for Psychedelic Therapy by Jon Hopkins
Practicing
Meditation
I fell out of this practice when life punched me in the face last year. It knocked me down so hard and I went so far off kilter, I let my practice fall by the wayside. That’s the thing I have found about meditation - when you need it most is often when you resist it strongest. There is a saying somewhere, ‘You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you’re too busy. Then you should sit for an hour.’
Now that I am back in it, I wonder how I ever went so long without. How can I even begin to explain? The only way I can put forth is that as a practice, it has opened new worlds.
Final note
Suuuuup ! Thanks for reading :)
The Dandelion Tiger began during a period of searching, when I was looking for a voice that resonated, that perhaps shared some of my questions, thoughts and experiences. I hope that you’ve found some of that connection here.
Writing this was cathartic, and if it has brought some value to you, the following would be of immense support to my work.
Share this with a friend
Subscribe, if you haven’t already (TDT is completely free for now)
This post feels like a breath of fresh air: the sweet relief of realizing people don’t notice me near as much as I think they do. My favorite people who I admire, who have that spark to them, are people who are unashamedly themselves- not constantly changing to be better liked by others. I am feeling so inspired to emulate that in my life, as it is so easy to slip into people-pleasing and anxiety over every small thing. And to forget who I am because I’m more concerned with who they think I am.
Rambling because this obviously resonated. Love!! Xx